Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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