Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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