I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
