My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
