I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
