this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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