Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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