how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
