The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
