I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The best revenge is premature balding
The beer is more important than you right now.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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