theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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