So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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