he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
