I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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