dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
