and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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