i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
