Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
