I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
