this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
