You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
