she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
