Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
