i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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