Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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