I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I have feelings that need drinking.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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