I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
