my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
