You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
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There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
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He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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