We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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