You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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