got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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