Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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