Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
