Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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