U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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