I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
