im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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