there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
