I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
