too bad you live with your parents still
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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