It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.