seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
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We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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