obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
