you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
