I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
