Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
