Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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