12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Randomize
