I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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