There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
