so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
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