mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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