she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
They took my balls.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
