On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
