Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
