its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
the day after is always just damage control
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
