Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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