I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
