Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
