i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
