why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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